My weekly emails are for you if you want a transformational SHOT OF POSITIVITY that makes you think, gets you laughing, and sparks a positive change. Start each week inspired.
When 1 + 1 = WTFπ€¬
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Reader I bet you can relate to this one. It's Wednesday morning pickleball in my neighborhood. There are only four of us, and the other three are seasoned players. My internal narrative about not being good enough and letting my partner down starts playing. I focus on my breathing and remind myself to play my game: stay present, accept your errors, celebrate others, have fun.
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We are rotating through the same partner pairings. Everyone is making their fair share of missed shots.
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I'm working on my game, balancing more aggressive and risky shots with "safe" ones. I am having fun and learning by playing in this more advanced group. I am the weak link, but I do a good job of staying present instead of focusing on past mistakes.
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It's a good morning except for one thing. At match point, one of the women says to me every game, "Don't hit it in the net like you did last time."
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What I hear is scorekeeping, and I wonder why she's decided that it is her job to keep track of my errors.
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I ponder her intention. Why does she feel the need to say this to me, not just today, but last week too? Is this intended as some backhanded support, or does she want to embarrass me?
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My partner receives the final serve of the game, and his return is long. We walk to the net to say, "Good game."
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I look at the woman who seems invested in tracking my mistakes on the court, and I say, "You know I never think about hitting it into the net, but you seem to think about that a lot. I'm sorry. That seems kind of hard for you to be so distracted by this."
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She replies, "You know I get so upset with myself when I hit it into the net and lose the game. I guess that is why I notice it. And I'm just saying it in fun to tease you."
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I walk away with a thought and a question: A game is never lost on any one point; it is the accumulation of all the winning and losing shots during the game. I wonder if she'll rein in her judge or do it again next week?
Scorekeeping, when present continually or over a long period of time, obliterates belonging. The source is your internal judge, who is always looking with a critical eye at you, your circumstances, and others, and shouting loudly when someone or something doesn't measure up to her expectations. She experiences life as a zero-sum game in which she can only be up if someone else is down. Your worth and the worth of others is always a comparative analysis to determine who has worked harder, accomplished more, etc. This constant comparison and measuring of others destroys trust, respect, and teamwork. You can't experience belonging if you are always feeling attacked. You can't offer belonging if you are over-focused on keeping track of others' deficiencies. Belonging β the belief that we are connected, supported, and respected β is a basic human need that paves the way for greater individual and organizational performance, innovation, satisfaction, and persistence through challenges.. In Maslow's hierarchy, it is number three after physiological needs and safety. When people no longer have to expend as much energy wondering if they belong at work, theyβre free to contribute to business objectives in a meaningful, productive, and fulfilling way. Belonging is more than feeling included. High belonging experiences also include being your full self without censorship and being allowed to make mistakes without jeopardizing your inclusion. Here's a simple approach to boost belonging: Master 5:1 Banking Managing the emotional bank account of any relationship is vital to keeping it strong and healthy. It requires five deposits of positive experience to cover the cost of one withdrawal from negative experiences. Every day, make no less than five deposits in one or more of these categories
Reader I want you to think of it like this--building a healthy bank account is like saving for a rainy day. When you face adversity with frequent withdrawals, you want to be certain that a deficit balance is never at risk. Belonging is one element of my new 5-point STAR TREATMENT, a set of operating norms designed to optimize individual fulfillment, team engagement, and organizational performance.
β Are you subscribed to The Story I'm Telling Myself Podcast? Give us a 5-star review and share an episode with a friend: Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube Musicββ Join me this week for these live episodesEpisode 32 live stream available through LinkedIn, Facebook, YouTubeβ Episode 33 live stream available through LinkedIn, Facebook, YouTubeβ β The Story Iβm Telling Myself is for anyone who wants to overcome the limitations of self-doubt and live a life of purpose and fulfillment. Through candid conversations, you'll discover:
Real-life stories of courage and resilience: Gain inspiration from everyday people who overcame their negative self-talk to live a life of purpose and fulfillment. Listen to the podcast on Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube Music.β |
βRita Ernst, Positivity Influencer
My weekly emails are for you if you want a transformational SHOT OF POSITIVITY that makes you think, gets you laughing, and sparks a positive change. Start each week inspired.
Reader, I've been stricken with vacay brain. My eyes pop open. Dawn is breaking. I grab my phone to see 6:00 a.m. on the dot. I pause to take stock following my 36-hour round trip to St. Louis by car. Do I need more sleep? Am I ready to start my day? I feel good, and walking with my dogs at the park sounds invigorating. My feet hit the floor and I start my day thinking about all the productive work I am going to accomplish. I walk the dogs, grab a light bite, make my morning posts on social...
Reader, this gets a little personal. Over the winter, I started playing pickleball. I love it! I'm having so much fun. Summer is now officially here with a daily heat index topping 100 this past week. In past years, I have avoided being outside in such dreadful heat. This year, I'm taking two or more showers a day to cool off and wash away the sweat. Yes, I'm a prolific sweater. One of those people who always looks like they just ran a marathon after any exertion in the sun. I could choose to...
Reader, last week I got to do what I love twice! I delivered talks at two conferences β one in Texas and one in Louisville. I know that interactive learning is the best, so my presentations include some type of "pair and share" element whenever possible. In Texas, I invited the participants to reflect on their happiest and least happy job experiences, then share the stories with their partners. Here was the punchline from the debrief: Was the experience you shared about compensation, tasks,...