Reader, have you ever lost your sh*t at someone?

Last week, my seventeen-year-old broke up with her boyfriend the day before Valentine's.

I found her in her bedroom, so sad and upset. I thought it was typical teenage relationship drama, but it was so much more.

I said, "I'm so sorry. It can be so hard to end a relationship, and the timing sucks."

My daughter said, "You don't understand. It is all my fault. I am so mean. I was so mean to him. I caused this. I felt so anxious and unhappy and took it all out on him."

As her mother, I've been on the receiving end of her emotional tirade. I know how hurt I've felt and the work I've had to do to remind myself that she is dysregulated and experiencing overwhelming emotions.

It turns out that even though she received glowing feedback on a big school project that day, she also received disappointing news about her top college choice.

I also reminded her that this was a time of tremendous change and how stressful that can feel. There is grief intermingled with the joy of graduating high school because you close one chapter of your life to start another (hello, anxiety!).

Many years ago, I asked a therapist friend how to help my children know when they might benefit from professional counseling, and her guidance was simple - when their thoughts and feelings are preventing them from having the life they want.

My beautiful, brilliant daughter realized her dysregulation was getting in the way of her important relationships, and she needed help.

As a parent with twice as many years on this planet, I've been there, too.

I learned this simple truth: When we lash out at others, we are actually lashing out at ourselves. Freud used the term displacement.

Most of us have a hyper-critical inner judge who is constantly pointing out our imperfections and unworthiness.

It is incessant, and when we receive evidence in the world that affirms it, we dysregulate.

Emotional dysregulation refers to difficulties in managing and responding to emotional experiences in a measured and adaptive way. When someone is emotionally dysregulated, they might:

• Experience intense, overwhelming emotions
• Struggle to return to a balanced state after an emotional upset
• React impulsively or disproportionately to emotional triggers
• Find it challenging to use coping strategies effectively

These characteristics negatively impact daily functioning, interpersonal relationships, and overall well-being because you look for and attack the qualities you're beating yourself up about in others. [Which, btw only further affirms what a pos you are, because now other people are mad at you too]

So, Reader, here's the tip for the week.

The next time you find yourself ready to go all pitbull on someone, pause and try this instead.

1. Write an email to them and let all the vitriol spill onto the page.
2. Ask yourself why you are so angry/upset with them.
3. Ask yourself how you have let yourself down similarly.
4. Forgive yourself.
5. Check in and see how you feel about the other person. Are you displacing your feelings?
6. Decide what productive conversation you need to have with the person and delete the email.

It turns out that lashing out at others is an extremely poor substitute for accepting your imperfections and forgiving yourself.

Wishing you a wellbeing this week,

Join me this week for these live episodes

Episode 7 live stream available through LinkedIn, Facebook, YouTube​

Episode 3 live stream available through LinkedIn, Facebook, YouTube​

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Episode 9 live stream available through LinkedIn, Facebook, YouTube​

The Story I’m Telling Myself is for anyone who wants to overcome the limitations of self-doubt and live a life of purpose and fulfillment.

Through candid conversations, you'll discover:

• The hidden costs of listening to your inner critic: How fear and doubt sabotage your confidence, happiness, and success.
• Transformational strategies for silencing the negative voice: Learn how to overcome self-doubt, embrace vulnerability, and step into your true potential.
• The power of a mindset shift: Discover how changing your internal dialogue can lead to extraordinary results.

Real-life stories of courage and resilience: Gain inspiration from everyday people who overcame their negative self-talk to live a life of purpose and fulfillment.

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