Reader I don't know how it happened.

I'm leaving my girlfriends after a lovely meet-up for dinner.

I'm thinking about my colonoscopy prep tomorrow and feeling anxious after all the grim stories I have heard from others.

With the snowmageddon prediction for the weekend, I'm debating whether to go to the grocery store on my way home.

I'm driving in an unfamiliar area. It's dark, and the pavement is wet. I need to turn right at the upcoming light, so I move into the far right lane.

BOOM! I hear and feel my car go over a raised median I hadn't seen. I think, "What the hell was that doing in the road?"

My car is making a bad noise, and I feel certain that I have killed one or more tires.

I pull into a parking lot and get out to look at the car. The tires all seem fine. I turn on my phone light and kneel on the wet pavement to check under the car. No visible signs of damage, but I can hear them.

I decide to chance driving it the rest of the way home. I choose a route that mostly runs through neighborhoods, where I can drive very slowly.

I know I've done significant damage to the suspension, and I'm beating myself up for making such a stupid mistake.

I'm also dreading my husband's reaction to my news. I am certain he will be angry and make me feel even more foolish than I already do.

I decide the direct approach is best. When I walk in the door, I say, "I ran over a median, and I know I damaged the suspension. I need to drop it off at the repair shop when they open at 8 tomorrow morning. Can you pick me up?"

I am shocked. He doesn't ask me any questions or say anything to make me feel bad about it.

The next morning, the auto shop calls me with a $5,000 repair estimate. We only paid $9,000 for this car six years ago.

It's a first. I've totaled my car.

I think, "How am I going to tell my husband? He's going to be mad and make me feel like a bad driver for sure."

Instead, he simply says, "We have accident forgiveness on our insurance, so I think you should file a claim."

I think, how can this be a claim? I say, "But I am completely at fault. How would that be covered?" He says, "That doesn't matter. I'll check with our insurance agent and see what he thinks."

I'm surprised. My expectation that he would jump on the "It's all your fault" bandwagon was a misjudgment on my part. HMMM.

Reader, although I still feel embarrassed by this story, I knew I had to share it with you.

Inside organizations, one of the core principles I teach to leaders and teams is cultivating psychological safety.

This slide for an upcoming workshop shows my favorite model:

In my story, the three specters of fear are constantly playing in my head:

Rejection: Will my husband not love/like me anymore because I'm imperfect?
Shame: Do I look like a complete fool and incompetent person?
Unworthiness: Am I untrustworthy if I can't take better care of such a significant asset? Do I deserve a nice car if I am so reckless?

These specters are also present in all areas of our life including work. Your relationship with them was formed in your early childhood, and they are bullies that dominate much of your mindspace.

It wasn't completely erroneous of me to assume a strong negative reaction from my husband based on past experience.

And this is also true for all of us. Your lived experience informs the predictions you make about the reactions of others to current situations.

And this is why you feel that sense of dread when you make a mistake at work.

crossing your fingers and hoping no one else notices
flipping through a list of ways to deflect criticism
searching for rationalizations that will make you seem less incompetent

That fear is fueled by the three specters, which cause people to lie, hide, and deflect rather than own up.

Wouldn't it be great, Reader, if you could make mistakes, even big ones, and not feel like you just got called to the principal's office?

I teach teams and leaders exactly how to do that.

When I ask people why they fear owning mistakes at work, here are the most common things I hear:

I'll lose my job (when pushed, most agree this is unlikely, but it is always the first reaction)
It will hurt my review and pay increase
It will keep me from getting promoted
My boss will embarrass me in front of the whole team

When you consistently live the four stages of psychological safety in your team, people eventually respond to risk and challenges with more trust, respect, and resilience.

Take this scene from Apollo 13 as an example of what I'm talking about:

This team faces a significant, seemingly impossible challenge. Failure is not an option. The group has to challenge their thinking, be true learners, try everything to figure out what doesn't work, and push one another to their best.

This is what is possible when people are freed of the specters of rejection, shame, and unworthiness.

It is only possible, however, when you've laid the right groundwork.

When I teach teams and leaders, here are the tips for cultivating psychological safety I share:

[1] Make invitations for people to voice disagreement a regular part of decision-making. Raising an opposing viewpoint doesn’t feel scary when people do it all the time. Also, it is less argumentative because people aren’t reacting to or pushing back against a perceived threat. Ask questions like these:

What is a different way we might think about/approach this?
Who has a perspective that hasn’t been heard?
If we poke at this, where might the holes form?
Who might not favor this, and what would their objections be?
Before we move ahead, is there anything that causes you uncertainty or hesitation?
To what are you not ready to say yes?

[2] Express appreciation when people verbalize disagreement. Agreement stifles innovation. Therefore, alternative ideas are vital. Positive reinforcement increases the repetition of behavior and reduces the potential for escalating hostility.

[3] Focus on outcomes and content, not people and personalities. It is only sometimes possible to be proactive and avoid conflict. Misunderstandings happen regularly and can escalate quickly. Redirect the conversation away from labels and to observable facts. Invite each person to say what resolution is important to them. Focus on shared accountability by asking questions such as, “How are you contributing to the issue?”

[4] Integrate listening skills into the team norms. One of my favorites is the 'yes and game'. While brainstorming or discussing a solution, team members must say something they like about the previous suggestion and build upon it before introducing a new idea. Another is to ask the group to summarize the points of agreement before discussing a disagreement. This technique helps draw greater attention to the alignment that already exists.

[5] Adopt the mindset that dissent is an opportunity for greater alignment rather than a win-lose battle. One of the most helpful tips is that everyone is at least 10% right. We find the path to agreement and alignment when we choose to listen for what is right rather than what is wrong. No doesn’t mean we will never get to yes; it only means we do not have enough shared understanding to agree at this moment. No is a conversation initiator when you let go of trying to convince others to support your argument and intentionally get curious about their point of view.

Reader, the name of the game is normalizing these experiences so that people can overwrite the tape that got made in childhood.

Perfectionism is an unrealistic story we tell ourselves and perpetuate with our fears, but it doesn't have to rule us.

If you and your team would like to accelerate the journey, I'd love to collaborate with you to make that happen. Hit me up.

Cheers to you,

Catch Up on 'the story i'm telling myself' podcast

Rita Ernst, Positivity Influencer

I totaled my car 😭

Catch Up on 'the story i'm telling myself' podcast

My low battery crisis🪫

It's time for a "Do-Over." 🔄

"There's an abnormal spot." (My scariest moment of 2025)